Monday, August 27, 2012

To Have, To Hold, To Hear

I met my husband in October 1999.  I was a freshman at Syracuse University, and Jeff was the cousin of my roommate, Kathryn.  Jeff plus three of his hometown friends came to visit for the weekend, and as the four boys entered my dorm room, I quickly assessed that I needed to get the hell away from them… and FAST.  They were NUTS.   Fifteen minutes into their arrival, I knew these boys had some serious partying experience, and terrified for my personal safety, I made plans with a girl down the hall to hang with her for the weekend.

It was Halloween, and on Saturday, my friend and I ventured to the upperclassmen apartments and competed with all the “sexy” cats, nurses, devils, and playboy bunnies to be first in line for the keg.  I had teased my then-curly hair as big as possible, wore an obnoxious amount of make-up, and called myself an 80’s girl.  And that 80’s girl… well, she got pretty drunk.

I don’t remember much from that night, but I vaguely recall arriving back to my dorm, screaming down the hallway and pounding on each and every door because I couldn’t remember what room was mine.  Eventually, Kathryn came out of our dorm, and led me back to our room. 

“You need to go to sleep,” I remember her saying.  “My cousin Jeff is already in your bed, but just get in with him… he won’t care.”  I didn’t even hesitate.  Into my bed with the cute stranger I went. 

The next morning, and I DO remember this… Jeff and I awoke at the same time.  We’re in a college-size twin bed together.  He didn’t have a shirt on, and I was still wearing my hideous makeup from the previous evening. 

“Um, hi.” I remember saying, trying to remember how this boy and I ended up in my bed together.  We were both utterly confused, searching our hungover brains for reason as to why the situation was happening.

And that was the beginning of Jeff and Pam’s romance.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Hearing and Healing

A couple of weeks before my surgery, a colleague stopped me as I entered the room. 

"Can I say something to you at the risk of being inappropriate?" he started.

I braced myself.  You see, this particular colleague is inappropriate on a regular basis, peppering everyday pleasantries with mentions of genitalia and orgasms at every chance he gets.  He is also Santa Claus... literally, his side job is Santa at the mall, and I tell you this because I think it makes for an amusing visual as I continue my story.  Anyway, the fact that he was WARNING me of potential inappropriateness was terrifying.

"You look radiant!" he continued.  "Your aura... it's a BEAUTIFUL, BRIGHT BLUE!"

And that was all.  I exhaled.  It was nothing compared to what Horny Old St. Nick is capable of, and while it's questionable if he could really "see" my aura, I chose to believe him.  Yay for me and my beautiful blue radiance!

Oddly, it was the second time that week someone had commented on my "energy."  I had met a lovely woman- who happened to be a doctor- and she told me she sensed some strong spirituality and power that lived not only in me, but also in my daughter, Claire.  Of course, I LOVED her medical opinion and immediately called  my husband to inform him of my superpowers.  I think he laughed.

Though Jeff wasn't impressed, I found the whole energy-detection thing intriguing.  I've always believed if I put good energy out in the world, eventually, good will come back.  I KNOW this, but it's hard to do, and sometimes, especially a few days before my period, I lack control and my nasty energies unleash themselves all over the place.   I want more healing and good in my life, and I'm not ashamed to admit I need help.  So this past week, I scheduled my very first Reiki appointment.

According to the pamphlet I grabbed, Reiki (pronounced Ray-key) is a name given to a system of natural healing, where a practitioner gently places his/her hands non-intrusively over a person to realign energy centers of the body.  In the pre-session consultation, I told the Reiki Master I wasn't sure if I was opening myself up as much as I could to my new world of hearing.  This might seem odd (why would I want to block my new ability?), but I was noticing, for example,  I could hear the phone one day, but then the next day I couldn't.   I would know it was ringing because I could see the phone blinking and I would pay close attention.  OK, RING, I heard you yesterday... where are you NOW?   And nothing.

I feel like my brain can be overly cautious and tired, and sometimes, when sounds approach, she can be hesitant to welcome them.  As she gets used to them, she might allow one or two sounds to come in initially, and after warming up a bit, maybe she'll host a few more the next day.  But if she's tired, she's probably going to keep to her quiet self.  My hope is that eventually, my brain will open her doors to a big sound party, stop over-thinking, and just relax.

And that's why my bright blue aura and I gave Reiki a shot.   I want to be open to the possibility of my new capabilities.  And I enjoyed Reiki.  It was relaxing, and though I could hardly feel the practitioner touching me, I DID feel warmth, out-of-nowhere shivers, and at the end- SWEAR TO GOD- my implanted ear let out a little POP.  

My cochlear implant journey is a story about HEARING, but it's also about HEALING.  It's a story about sharing my truth, finding my inner power, and aligning myself with who I am meant to be.  And it's a very spiritual journey, only instead of Jesus or Buddha, at least so far,  I'm stuck with a naughty Santa pushing me in the right direction.